Death is an inevitable part of life, but in our modern society it often feels distant and unfamiliar.
Many of us have little direct experience with death until we lose someone close, When that moment comes, it can feel overwhelming. There’s a natural tendency to want to outsource every aspect of the process—whether due to fear of getting it wrong, the strangeness of it all, or simply because we’re depleted and in shock. But the rituals humans carry out around death exist for a reason: they help us navigate loss.
Why Rituals Matter
Throughout history, cultures around the world have developed rituals to honour the dead and support those left behind. These acts, no matter how simple, serve as a bridge between the loss we experience and the new version of life that awaits us on the other side. Rituals provide structure in a time of emotional upheaval, allowing us to express emotion, face the reality of loss, and pay tribute to the person who has died.
Grief as Love in Action
Grief has been described as love with nowhere to go. A funeral or memorial service becomes a final, tangible expression of that love which can be deeply significant in the grieving process. Even small acts, such as writing a letter choosing a piece of music, or placing a symbolic item during the ceremony can be an important way of honouring someone and the relationship we had while they were alive.
Finding an approach that works for you
There are no strict rules about how a farewell should look. While some people prefer traditional customs, others find comfort in more personal or contemporary expressions of grief. The most important thing is to create a service that feels right for those involved. I encourage families to be as involved as they feel able, whether in planning or in the service itself. Including children and other significant people in small yet meaningful ways can be hugely important to those individuals.
Giving Yourself Permission to Step Back
Being involved in a funeral or memorial ceremony doesn’t mean taking on more than you can handle. The death of a loved one is often devastating and shocking, regardless of the circumstances or the relationship you held. The key is to do what feels manageable and meaningful rather than feeling pressured to follow expectations or traditions that don’t resonate. It’s quite OK to let your celebrant read out your words, or to have them stand by ready to see what you can manage on the day.
Rituals around death have served an important purpose throughout the human existence. Modern funerals and memorials allow endless creative scope as to how we say goodbye. Seeing these acts as our final demonstration of love gives them great meaning and helps us mourn those we have lost.
